Amy Winehouse They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said yeah, okay. I have kinda been nosing so much booger sugar that when my septum fell out I crushed it up and snorted it.
48 minutes ago - comment - like

   

All any woman wants is a man who will give her prefrontal cortex the courtesy of a reach-around.

'LOVE STORY' - THE DIRECTOR'S CUT by ingrid elkner

Ingrid Elkner I made a bucket list and I've been working through it. I have no idea what the fuck to do with them all. I mean, how many buckets does a person need before they die?
8 minutes ago - comment - like

She says, he thinks...

 

My grandfather always said:

"Don't put off 'til tomorrow what you can chloroform, behead, disembowel, bury in the backyard and lie to the police about today".

Always a practical man.

LUNCH by ingrid elkner

Ingrid Elkner My feed is showing nothing from between 2am and 8am. I think it was abducted by aliens. It says it doesn't want to talk about it and cries in the shower with all its clothes on.

33 seconds ago - comment - like

THE FIRST WALL by ingrid elkner

NEWS HEADLINES

- Julia Gillard: "No, I said there would be no car burn tax under my government"
- 'Pregnancy Vampire' strikes again, draining new mother of milk
- Infertility clinic brings hope to the ugly

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?

                             One.

Well, unless you were one of those thalidomide babies.
In which case, I'm sorry for your condition.

NAILED by by ingrid elkner

FOR RENT: Womb with a view

This as-new, inner-city pad is perfect for the upwardly mobile young single.

Pink uterine feature walls complement this neat as a pin apartment, styled in classic reproductive architecture.

Close to schools, shops, restaurants, or whatever I'm walking by at the time.

Must sign a 9 month rental contraction. Share with Chinese family.

Rent: $1,804 a month. Call Ingrid on 9191 4801

Elizabeth Bathory Nothing like a relaxing, hot bath of virgins' blood after a long day at the tax office. 

3 minutes ago - comment - like

Looking for love on the internet...
...is like sticking your hand in a public toilet and expecting to find a diamond.

You think you've got a hold of a multi-faceted gem, but it turns out to be a nut-encrusted turd.

Ingrid Elkner is so hot she'll make your toast sweat.

about an hour ago - comment - like

sex.

Ingrid Elkner Whenever I hear my refrigerator go quiet I swear it's listening in on my conversations.
4 minutes ago - comment - like

Ingrid Elkner  I'm such a sadist, I play Bohemian Rhapsody over the speakers in the spinal injury ward of the local hospital.
3 seconds ago - comment - like


"You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still Britney Spears."

FOR SALE: 2nd hand Self-Esteem
Has taken a battering from time to time but has been since re-inflated.
A few dints and scratches but otherwise in good nick, runs well and could be good as a back-up if your current self-esteem gets damaged.
Prone to shrinking, easy to lose, but a must for anyone without.
Owner upgrading to self-love. Call 9191 4800

"I'm all ears"

NEWS HEADLINES:
- Shock report: In Japan, everyone is naked beneath their clothes. "I knew they were a nation of perverts," says Evelyn Gerber, concerned mother of 12.
- Michael Jackson: still dead
- This season's must-have fashion item--the topless & bottomless bikini!

Ing's idea of a cool gravestone.

Ingrid Elkner thinks speed dating is convenient if you really need to pee.
4 minutes ago - comment - like

NEWS HEADLINES:
- New research shows men 100% more likely to have a penis than women
- Gordon Ramsay cologne: F*%K
- Jesus says he hasn't risen yet due to, "a bitch of a hangover".

NEWS FLASH: ASIMO KILLS 17, CAN'T BE STOPPED.

BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS, YOU'LL KNOW WHAT IT SAYS.

"When life hands you lemons, kick it in the balls and steal it's wallet."

Ingrid Elkner is baking treats, cleaning house, and praying for polar bears. Don't go over to her house to see if she's really sitting around in her underwear, covered in cookie crumbs and obsessively updating her status. Because she's not.
                                    about an hour ago - comment - like

NEWS HEADLINES:
-Lindsay Lohan fails audition to get into rehab
-Barack Obama really a white man. "It was just a dare that went too far."
-Latest trends for a global warming winter!